Relapse Prevention For Couples
The term "Relapse Prevention" is more commonly heard in the recovering community of alcoholics and drug abusers, but has been coming up frequently in my work with couples. It is for this reason I thought an article would be appropriate to point out the advantages of such a program in the relationship arena.
Couples treatment is often focused on the crisis of the moment, and very often the only reason people actually come to counseling. Its a last ditch effort to fix the problem before they decide to separate or divorce. Counseling can have a poor prognosis when couples wait too long before they decide to get help.
Another reason why couples counseling has a poor prognosis is due to several myths about marriage. Some of these include:
1. Personality problems ruin marriages
2. Common interests keep people together
3. Affairs are the main cause of divorce
4. Men are not built for marriage
5. Men and women are from different planets and can’t get along because of their differences
6. Effective communication is the answer to an enduring and happy marriage.
The problem with all the above myths is that the false information can be disheartening to couples who are really trying to make their marriages work.
My emphasis on couples counseling follows the seven areas that John Gottman discovered through his research with over 700 couples. He used many innovative and extensive methods to get his data. His book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has shown me a better way to approach the area of relationship conflict. I have used some of his information in developing my approach to bringing couples back to the love they had and want.
All through my work with clients I keep relapse prevention in the treatment plan. In particular one of the things I recommend is the use of his list of Repair attempts to prevent negativity from escalating and getting out of control. Early on in our work, I give this out to my couples to post on a refrigerator or somewhere else where it is visible.
One couple even told me that they didn’t even have to read the list and that just because it was there they were able to defuse their argument with a word or gesture of their own. In a way it served as a reminder.
Another part of my relapse prevention program is that I recommend that the couple come back monthly for a check in session. One couple reported that the check in session was one of the only times they had for themselves and used it as sort of a date night. They would come to counseling and then go out to dinner. They said it helped them keep their relationship on track in the midst of their everyday jobs and family responsibilities.
In my sessions I always talk about the possibility of relapse because it is a real phenomenon. Many couples are able to keep things going well while coming to sessions but have difficulty when they are over, hence a sliding back to the old behavior that brought them there in the first place.
A couple faces some of the similar challenges of the recovering alcoholic: that of maintaining the new behavior changes that they have learned. Life is difficult and things happen to challenge the strength of a relationship. Keeping an awareness of relapse triggers helps put the relationship up front and a Priority.
For some it is easier than others. A familiar slogan from the recovering community sums it up well: “It works if you work it.”
References for this article from: The Seven Principles for Making A Marriage Work, by John Gottman, Ph.D and Nan Silver.